I’m going to share something super vulnerable with you.

It’s not something I intended on doing this morning, but hey…here I am.

It’s December 18, 2019. Tomorrow will mark my Mother’s ONE year death-aversary.

When it gets to be the end of a year in general, I usually go back through my journal and see how much things have changed. I just skim through usually and get a good laugh at how stupid I was LOL.

But this time, there’s a very important date that I went back to. December 19, 2018 and the journal entries immediately following my Mothers death. Because it shows my transformation and I believe someone needs to hear this. So this is for you, Mr. or Mrs. Someone.

“January 1, 2019

God, the last day I wrote to You was the morning of December 19, 2018. That was the day that my mama died. I hadn’t talked to her in a while, but we were on good terms. That doesn’t make it any easier. This is an awful feeling that I feel like will remain with me for eternity. I feel like my flames have been smothered and nothing matters as much as it once did. I feel like my energy, excitement, uniqueness, wildness has disappeared with her. That all of the exciting vibrance of me died with her. Like I was waiting on a time to recognize my vibrance with her, but I’ve been living in fear and timidness because of court this whole time.I want to live a full, crazy, bright, wild life – as she did – without the demons getting into my head. I will be strong in my faith to balance exploring the world and living. God I pray YaYa is with you. I know deep down that my Mother cannot be in hell. I believe she is with You.

-BK”

I really can’t believe I’m sharing this because I never thought I would be comfortable going back to this post. I had buried it. More in the coming days…

“January 3, 2019

This morning, Brett packed Emma’s lunch, made coffee, loved on me and told me to wake up slow. Thank You for that God.  I have constantly tried to distract myself from the emotions of my mom dying. Not processing them is probably not healthy at all. God please help this feeling pass. It’s empty, but not in entirety, just a piece of my is gone. I know my identity is in You, but Lord You know this feeling because You created it. You created this bond between me and my Mother in the womb. My Moms friend told me that I was the lamb of this family and that was a first for me to hear. You’ve opened my up to a whole new understanding this past year of 2018. I pray that You remind me of all the good things I know my Mama did for us. I pray deeply for my siblings. Their salvation. Their joy. Their happiness. And same for my Daddy. And Emma + Brett. Thank you for this life.

-BK”

It’s important for me to re-read these writings because God took care of me. He did the things I prayed for, and then some more. He flooded me with fond memories of my Mom, He surrounded me with people who showered me with love, and even a year later I can honestly say my life is so much more aware, rich, and deep than I ever could have imagined…especially after my Moms death.

If you’re struggling with inner peace right now, let me pray for you. Let me walk with you. Let me be there for you.

Message me on Instagram or Facebook with what you’re struggling with and I would love to lift you up.

Much love,

B