It’s 1pm on Memorial Day 2019. I’ve just come home from a long and emotional trip from my Mom’s house to collect her belonging since she passed. We’ve brought in her furniture & art that has now made our home so cozy and unique. I haven’t sat down to think through my thoughts or feel anything deeper than what is erupting beyond control in over a week. It’s been a whirlwind. It just feels good to be home.

I still have so much to go through. Small miscellaneous items to move, rooms to paint, art to hang but I can’t muster up the motivation to do it. I’m so tired and irritable. Writing helps me process through why I am feeling the way I am in the current moment. Right now I think I could safely say I feel loose and overwhelmed. In the same sense I feel extremely accomplished and productive. I feel beyond grateful for my husband who not only drove 14 hours with 2 dogs, a 7 year old, a control freak (me), in an old car he’d never driven before with a U-Haul attached to it… he supported me emotionally. He held me when I cried, called out the emotions I was feeling so that my brain didn’t have to, and took me downtown to shop for local goods to get my mind off of things.

When most people see my social media they think “oh wow, you went to the beach – what a relief!” It wasn’t like that. It was lots of mixed feelings with a few pieces of happiness thrown in. The epitome of bittersweet. The bittersweet symphony my emotions go back to more often than not these days. The way I’m sure most people feel when some time has gone by since their loved ones left this earth. Much of what I imagine Memorial Day to be for the families of our fallen ones. Bittersweet.

I feel like I should be outside at a BBQ near a body of water drinking a cold one with my family. But instead I’m sitting in the basement, tired, irritable, and bursting with thoughts in my head that just need to come out. I hope where ever you are reading this, you feel the sunshine and warm breeze on your face and you are happy. Trying to let go of yesterday and embrace today.

This is a good as is gets, so live like it.

Going outside with my kiddo to set up the sprinkler. Sometimes you just have to force yourself outside and bask in God’s glorious creations.

Love,

B