High-school. Blonde. Cheerleader. Homecoming Court. Boyfriend. Outgoing. Good life.

That’s the face value of what people that didn’t know me thought of me. But I was far from that. In my own head, I was too pale, I wasn’t thin enough, I didn’t have the same home life as the other cheerleaders and I was treated accordingly. People’s parents wouldn’t let them come to my birthday parties because of my home life (can’t say I’d blame them). We were rough around the edges or basically because I didn’t have a Dad, Mom, and a house in a subdivision, we were “broken.” Or at least thats how I was made to feel.

They say you will forget what people say to you, but you never forget the way they made you feel and I find that to be an extremely true statement. Like my two favorite teachers. 1st Grade Mrs. Whitmire and 6th Grade Science Mrs. Cook. Mrs. Whitmire reminded me of Mrs. Honey from Matilda. Sweet, kind, gentle, and always made you feel like you could do anything. Mrs. Cook was a firecracker. She was the most sarcastic, blunt teacher I’ve had but I really liked that about her. She was the a female I saw be strong and sarcastic without being apologetic about it. It made me feel like I was allowed to be loud, and strong, and not sorry for my personality. How some “friends” made me feel in high-school is also something that’s hard to forget. 

Cheerleading kept me out of trouble. My brother and sister weren’t really involved in any extracurricular activities, much less actual school (again, I can’t say I blame them). My twin brother didn’t even walk with me at graduation! C’mon man, we are both Keables and our names are assigned next to each other. So I ended up walking with Mark Kilgore. Mark if you’re reading this, what’s up! Cheerleading became my saving grace. I poured everything I had into it but inevitably hadn’t started early enough. I didn’t have the back handsprings, the tucks, the fulls. I could do a mean round off and I was a flyer my first couple of years, but nothing like the other girls whose parents started them in tumbling when they were younger so by the time they were on a team, they were elite. Again, making me feel less-than.

I wasn’t poor but I wasn’t rich. My mom was a single mom of three kids and ran her own business. Thinking back on it, and now that I’m a parent myself, she did a damn good job and was so under-appreciated. I always had what I needed. We didn’t do name brand stuff because good Lord how would she afford it. Between my job at Wild Wing Cafe and my parents paying for what they could, I was able to be in sports all throughout middle-school and high-school. But my mindset was still “You’re too old for this, you can’t learn how to do a back handspring, you don’t have enough support.” I let others being better than me, more privileged than me, get in the way of my actual abilities. I wasn’t mad that the other girls were taller, thinner, tanner, more flexible, or had tumbling…I was happy for them! It just made me feel like I was always on the cusp of being almost enough.

I was strong and I didn’t see it. I was cheer captain my last two years in high-school. I was a main base and I was beast at it. I had passion for it! So I used that to help others. Which I’m really good at. Feels good to actually say that. I’m still good at coaching because there have been multiple events where I’ve stepped in and gotten a game plan together while everyone else was panicking and I’m like WOAH HOW DID I DO THAT. Each time there’s an emergency situation, I’m so calm. It’s like an outer-body experience, The Matrix, I really don’t know how to explain it but it’s definitely a gift from God. Which I should use! I’m rambling.

 

So. I listened to this podcast and she asked these questions:

1. When you get skinny, what are some things that will change?

I asked myself the question, and it was kind of hard to answer. Are you trying to answer the question right now? See, it’s hard.

2. When you get skinny, what are some things that will stay exactly the same?

Woah. Now I can definitely answer that question. My love for Jesus, my family, my house, my job, my dogs, my cat, my Dad, my desires, my personality (maybe a little more self confidence I would hope), lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of things will stay the same. And when you put that into perspective, it takes the pressure off of this constant struggle of wanting to skinny because we think it will make us happy. Or at least, that’s how I felt.

My last blog post talked about my Mothers’ passing is obviously painful, but it’s brought so much attention to the fact that life is SO short and we HAVE to start living that way or we are going to get to the end of our road and think WTF. That’s how I am with my body at this point. Here’s the pattern I’ve seen.

High-school – thinks I’m fat

Some College – thinks I’m fat

After baby – thinks I’m fat

One year after baby – thinks I’m fat

Two years after baby – thinks I’m fat

Met Husband – thinks I’m fat

Get engaged – thinks I’m fat

Ge married – thinks I’m fat

One year after marriage – thinks I’m fat

Two years after marriage – thinks I’m fat

Three years after marriage – thinks I’m fat

Now – thinks I’m fat

Do you see the cycle? Sure I’ve been unhealthy, sure I’ve been overweight, sure I’m pretty pale but that’s what makes me who I am! I am on the road to respecting body. It’s the only one I’ve got! So I am going to say this – because I am actively working on my health, I find it so much easier to love the body I’m currently in. Loving my body in the present. The paleness. The cellulite. The thicc thighs. My dumpling, pear shaped butt. My short T-REX arms. My Fred Flintstone toes. I’m done hating myself. I like being different. I like being weird. I like me.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else. It doesn’t mean you’re vain. It doesn’t mean you are done bettering yourself. It doesn’t mean others will love you. It doesn’t mean you’re not going to have uncomfortable moments. It just means you are free from yourself.

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.”

― Sophia Bush

 

Love,

B