I know what I want.

I don’t know what I want.

I want to be free.

I want to have security.

I want to be an entrepreneur.

I can’t run my own business.

I am strong.

I am overweight.

Things that run through my mind every single day, plus more. It’s this state of being in-between that I generally despise. My mom said “Be a squirrel on the left side of the road or the right side of the road, because the squirrel in the middle gets run over.” And that’s how I’ve felt the most of my life. But when I look back I see that I was right where I was supposed to be. I didn’t enjoy where I’m at, even though I’m supposed to. And the few times I HAVE stopped to smell the roses, it feels great! Because God has told me not to worry about tomorrow…so why do I do it?

I have to stop myself constantly through out the day because I get wound up like an old toy. My brain goes a million miles an hour to the point where the rest of the world cannot keep up with me, and that’s understandable seeing as I’m going too fast for my own good. To the point where I’m trying to do all the things, but not being able to enjoy any of them.

I know this post seems like I’m rambling, but does anyone else know what the hell I’m talking about? This feeling of constant struggle or inadequacy? Why do I feel so inadequate?

It’s like I replay the negative or harsh things people have said to me over and over again in my head until it makes my heart hurt, and then I get anxiety, and then from that comes anger and a short fuse.

Jesus, help me remember that I am Yours and that true happiness only comes from You. I run from You all the time because I am trying to enjoy this one and only life You gave me, but only when I return to You do I actually find rest in my own discomfort.

Love,

B