The holidays get me into some type of mood. The crisp fall air always restarts my soul and puts me in a frisky mood. This year is the first holiday season since my mom died and it’s scary to welcome any type of emotion into this season. I’m afraid I’ll cry instead of dance when I hear “Super Freak” for Halloween. I’m afraid of trying to pick up the phone on Thanksgiving and ask my Mom for the thousandth time how to make her chocolate pies only to remember, I can’t ask her anymore. I’m deathly afraid of Christmas, seeing as last year I was on a plane to her cold body. I’m afraid the Christmas lights won’t shine as bright, the spirit in the air won’t feel as exciting, and my joy would be dulled. But by the grace of God, I’m not afraid of those things anymore. They still might happen, I’m just not afraid of them. 

Crying over your dead Mother isn’t something that’s not supposed to happen. It’s 100% supposed to happen. And people understand. They aren’t going to think you’re weird or think that you’re ruining the fun, they will completely understand. Or guess what? You just don’t have to go at all. You’re not obligated to go to every event, every function, or every holiday. It’s okay to take a breath and possibly stay home with your tiny family unit and just slow down. 

I’ve said this in previous posts, but my Mother’s passing shook my entire being to the core and challenged me to think outside the box. I think part of my overwhelming pursuit of “whatever I was looking for” was, yes, a part of my grieving, but mainly a huge realization that Mom was right. And when everything you thought about life changes in an instant, you go searching. 

Most of my life I’ve stayed in bubble. A bubble I put myself in or that other people put me in. I was so afraid of going against the grain. If I do everything right, I should logically be able to control my outcome. But of course we know that’s never the truth. The more time I’ve spent with Jesus the more peace I’ve felt. And knowing that my Heavenly Father is still and will always be with me lets me get outside these very small boxes and into this abundant life that God created for me, regardless of my Mother being on earth or not. 

Even though she’s not here, all of her traditions are still instilled in me. There’s no getting rid of them fortunately and unfortunately. Halloween will still be spooky and hilarious, just like Mom. Thanksgiving will be filled with food, laughter, and stories, just like Mom. Christmas will still be a huge impact of thankfulness, joy, slowed time, and remembering the importance of family…just like Mom.

Don’t be afraid of the holiday season without your loved ones. Embrace the season to love the ones on earth a lot more. 

Love, 

B